A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, “What are you doing?!!” The blind man replies, “Just looking around.”

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969.”

The other points his thumb behind him and says, “Dog crap, 20 feet back.”

A lawyer’s dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.”

“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.”

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

What do you get if you take a really big dog out for a walk ?

A Great Dane out !

Dear neighbour,

I will be off for the weekend and i was wondering if you could do me a favour and feed “Spot” while i’m away. I left food in my fridge. Don’t worry ’bout cooking. Spot likes his meat raw.

Thanks

Your neighbour,
John “Dundee” Smith

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said : Look at that dog with one eye!

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes : Where?

A warrant officer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.

The warrant officer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.  Again the warrant officer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked,  What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?  The warrant officer said, Look I m an warrant officer. I dont have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.

A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him

“Hey-come over hear buddy”.

The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks

Were you talking to me ?

The horse replies”Sure was, man I’ve got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I’m sick of it. Why don’t you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I’ll make you some money cause I can still run.”

The jogger thought to himself,”boy a talking horse”

Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting on the porch.

The jogger tells the farmer”Hey man I’ll give you $5,000 for that old broken down nag you’ve got in the field”. The farmer replies”Son you can’t believe anything that horse says-He’s never even been to Kentucky.

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence.

He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.

A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they’ll go?”

The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!